Guilt is what I feel, what consumes me at night.
Guilt is what I cannot hide, what I can’t deny.
Guilt is everywhere, in every damn fibre of my body.
Guilt washes over me every time I see you.
I’m just the second girl. I am the girl that nearly destroyed your relationship. I am the reason he is distant and different than before. I am the reason behind all the stolen hours and the long nights. I am the reason behind every business trip and every family trip. I am the reason you can’t get a hold of him. I am the reason he acts different towards you.
But I promise it wasn’t my intention. I am a victim like you. I swear, if I would have known about you, I would have never even thought of him like that.
You know, there once was this man that was sweet and caring, that told me he loved me to death and could never live without me. There was this man that would make me laugh no matter what. But suddenly, he changed. He changed into something I can’t even describe with words. He changed into something so ugly, so full of hate and rage that I was blinded by fear. I never thought that me speaking up actually could have saved your life. Now, I know that it’s my fault you felt the need to do what you did.
I will leave this city. I wouldn’t call it an escape, but I need a fresh start.
I hope you can forgive me for what I did – or what I didn’t do. Please have a good life. I hope you will recover fully from this attempt. And if you ever feel the need to talk or something, remember that I’m a good listener.
Please, if you know any victims of domestic violence or are a victim yourself, feel free to contact me.
Also, here are the domestic violence hotlines from a few countries.
Please talk to someone. You are not alone!
Germany: 08000 116 016
UK: 0808 2000 247
Samantha Rhinow, Anmerkung zum Gedicht
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