From the Secret Archives of the Vatican - Primus

Call me the Secretarius while I am still among you. The Fraternitatis Secretum Crucis is on my heels and, as with so many, my earthly days are numbered. I made the unforgivable mistake of trying to bring to justice a cardinal who loved to watch films with children and who himself, like his Lord created him Adam, lovingly participated in such cinematic depravity. Unfortunately, the clerical lover of children belonged to the inner circle of the Ordo Lucis, against which even His Holiness is powerless. In the past, it has been proven that this secret society was quick to send many a recalcitrant successor of Peter to his predecessors - emeritus troublemakers not excepted. But enough of that!

I want to tell you a story based on a report that a Roman knight named Titus Lavinius Crispus gave to the Princeps Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus. Crispus had travelled to Judaea on the emperor's personal commission to search for the origins of an obscure Oriental cult that was beginning to spread in Rome for his historically interested master. That should suffice as a prehistory, let's now move on to the results of the investigative endeavour.

Once upon a time, in the small town of Nazareth in Galilee, there lived a slightly alcoholic carpenter named Yeshua, who liked to spend his time with whores, gamblers and all kinds of shady characters. He was the illegitimate son of a woman from a middle-class family with the common name Maria and - as loose tongues later rumoured- a travelling Greek storyteller or lyricist.

In order to cover up the mishap, the family, shocked by the pregnancy, gave the careless girl as a wife to an equally penniless and failed existence by the name of Josephus Miserios from Bethlehem. The man who had become a father through no fault of his own was so poor that his stepson was born in a stable that a charitable innkeeper gave to the small family, who would otherwise have been homeless, in exchange for menial labour. No wonder Josephus tried his luck abroad, but then also failed miserably in Egypt due to his notorious laziness and unreliability.

So the family returned to Galilee with the now adolescent Yeshua and went to Nazareth, where Mary's relatives, who were in a conciliatory mood, set up a carpenter's shop for Josephus out of compassion for her. The new shopkeeper - not unskilled in his trade, but incredible lazy - lasted a few years, even trained his son from time to time, but finally ran away to Antioch with the joint savings and the jewellery given to his wife by Mary's relatives. Rumour has it that he founded a whorehouse there and worked as a pimp before he died of fatty heart disease due to his obesity.

So Yeshua took over his father's business and proved to be a reasonably skilled carpenter. He couldn't do any complicated work because of his lack of expertise, but it was enough for a small town like Nazareth. In diligence, our young entrepreneur surpassed his stepfather, which was of course no mean feat, but he was no child of sadness either.

I have already mentioned alcohol as a medic in times of need, the easy girls and gambling. The most trouble Jeshua got into, however, was due to his almost uncontrolled impulsiveness, with which he made every willing woman happy. Surprisingly, this went well for many years with some offspring out of wedlock, especially since our ancient Casanova sought his sex partners mainly in neighbouring towns. However, when Miserio's stepson also discovered his preference for his own sex, things got too hot after all. In contrast to the Romans and Greeks, the local population in Galilee was a bit homophobic and not too fond of bisexuality.

So Jeshua preferred to leave quickly after his coming out and better try his luck as one of the many itinerant preachers who could make many a pretty denarius.

So, this is the first part. Later on, I will tell you how Yeshua lived in intimate union with no less than 12 men.

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